Grab your favorite cup of joe, settle in, and let’s chat about something many of us are good at—avoiding grief. Yep, grief avoidance is a thing, and you’re not the first to think, "Maybe if I ignore this, it’ll go away." Spoiler alert: it won’t. But don’t worry; you’re not alone in this. Humanity’s been dodging grief since, well, forever. So, let's dive into the history of grief avoidance, its impact on our well-being, and a few tips on how to stop running from it—before we run ourselves into the ground!
Historical Context: Stoic Philosophers—The Original Avoiders
Long before therapy was a thing, ancient Stoic philosophers were out here telling everyone to keep a stiff upper lip when facing loss. People like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius had great advice for keeping your cool, no matter what life threw at you. And hey, if you lived through ancient wars and plagues, emotional restraint was probably a survival tactic. But the whole "don’t cry, just soldier on" attitude didn’t leave much room for grief. Stoics believed that showing too much emotion was a sign of weakness.
Fast forward to today, and we know that bottling up our grief isn’t exactly the best way to handle things. Modern psychology has stepped in and said, “Uh, folks? It’s okay to feel things. It’s good for you.” Research now emphasizes the importance of confronting and processing grief. And while the Stoics had their reasons, we now know that grief is something we need to move through, not dodge.
The Impact of Avoiding Grief: Meet Complicated Grief
So, what happens when we try to outpace grief? Well, instead of fading into the background like an old ex, grief becomes more like that clingy friend who just won’t leave you alone. Enter complicated grief. According to Shear et al. (2011), this condition can develop when a person gets stuck in their grief, unable to move through the stages. It’s like being caught in an emotional traffic jam with no exit in sight.
Instead of healing, avoiding grief can lead to prolonged suffering. You may experience intense sadness that doesn’t let up, difficulty moving on with life, and even physical health issues like sleep problems or weakened immunity (Shear et al., 2011). Yep, running from grief can make you sick—who knew? So, while avoidance might seem like the easier path, it’s the express lane to feeling worse in the long run.
Suggestions for Confronting Grief: Stop Running, Start Healing
But don’t worry, there are ways to stop the cycle and start working through your grief. It’s like deciding to finally clean out that closet you’ve been ignoring—yes, it’s daunting, but oh-so-relieving once you get started. Here are a few tips to help you face grief head-on:
Allow Yourself to Feel
First things first: it’s okay to feel all the emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion, even relief—they’re all valid. Avoiding these feelings doesn’t make them go away; it just postpones the inevitable. So, permit yourself to feel whatever comes up, even if it’s messy. Grab that box of tissues, throw on a sad movie if you need to, and let it out.
Talk About It
Sometimes, all we need is a good chat with someone who gets it. Whether it's a trusted friend, family member, or therapist, talking about your grief can be incredibly healing. And no, you don’t have to have all the words figured out. You might start with, "This sucks," and you know what? That’s a perfectly valid opening statement.
Find Healthy Outlets
If talking isn’t your thing (introverts, I see you), try other outlets. Journaling can help you sort through your feelings without the pressure of a conversation. Or, if you’re more action-oriented, consider physical activities like yoga or hiking. Moving your body can be a great way to move through grief emotionally too.
Create Rituals
Sometimes, our grief needs a structured way to express itself. Creating a personal ritual—like lighting a candle, writing a letter, or planting a tree in memory of a loved one—can help you process your loss. These small acts can give grief a place to live outside of your heart and mind, so it’s not just bouncing around in there causing chaos.
Give Yourself Time
No, there’s no deadline for grief. It doesn’t work on a timeline, and there’s no "right" way to grieve. Avoid comparing your process to someone else’s—grief is as unique as a fingerprint. So, take your time, and don’t rush yourself through this journey. After all, you wouldn’t rush through a good cup of coffee, right? (I mean, unless you’re late for work—then, no judgment.)
Wrapping It Up: You’ve Got This
Grief avoidance is tempting, but it’s like trying to avoid paying taxes—it’s going to catch up with you eventually. The good news? You don’t have to face grief alone, and you certainly don’t have to face it all at once. Bit by bit, you can learn to stop running and start healing.
So, the next time grief comes knocking, resist the urge to dodge it like that neighbor who always wants to chat about the weather. Instead, invite it in, grab a coffee, and give yourself the space to feel and heal. You’ve got this.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, reader. And remember, in this coffee chat, there are always more refills! Keep an eye out for the next article in our series, where we’ll tackle the messy (but normal) emotions that come with grief.
Until next time, keep sipping and processing—one emotion at a time.
At Unboxed Grief, we understand that grief is a deeply personal journey, and no two paths look the same. That's why we offer grief support groups and 1:1 sessions to walk alongside you, helping you navigate the ups, downs, and everything in between. We’d be honored to be a part of your healing process, offering a compassionate, non-judgmental space where you can feel heard and supported. As Ram Dass so beautifully said, "We're all just walking each other home," and we’re here to be that steady companion, offering warmth and guidance as you take each step forward.
Disclaimer: The author of this blog is not a licensed practitioner, therapist, or medical doctor. The information provided is based on research and personal experience and is intended for informational and supportive purposes only. If you are experiencing physical or emotional symptoms of grief that are impacting your health, we strongly recommend consulting with a licensed healthcare provider, therapist, or medical professional for clinical evaluation and appropriate intervention. Always seek professional advice before making decisions regarding your mental or physical well-being.
References
Shear, M. K., Boelen, P. A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2011). Complicated grief and related bereavement issues for DSM-5. Depression and Anxiety, 28(2), 103-117. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.20780
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