Grief is a profound and personal experience that can leave individuals feeling isolated and vulnerable. When someone we care about is grieving, it’s natural to want to offer comfort. However, sometimes well-intentioned words can unintentionally cause more harm than good. Knowing what not to say and what to say instead can make a significant difference in providing the support a grieving person needs.
What NOT to Say and Why
"I know how you feel. "Why It’s Unhelpful: Grief is a unique experience; even if you have experienced a similar loss, you cannot fully understand another person’s pain. This statement can dismiss the individual's unique experience (Neimeyer, 2012). What to Say Instead: "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I’m here for you. "Why It’s Helpful: This acknowledges the person's unique pain while offering your support.
"They’re in a better place. "Why It’s Unhelpful: Though often well-meaning, this phrase can feel invalidating. It implies that the griever should not feel as sad because their loved one is in a better state, which can minimize their feelings (Miller, 2019). What to Say Instead: "I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I support you right now?" Why It’s Helpful: It expresses sympathy and allows grieving people to share their needs.
"Everything happens for a reason." Why It’s Unhelpful: This can be interpreted as dismissive and may not align with the grieving person's beliefs. It suggests that their loss was meant to happen, which can be painful to hear (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). What to Say Instead: "I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care." Why It’s Helpful: It acknowledges the situation's complexity and conveys genuine care without trying to explain the pain.
"You should be over this by now." Why It’s Unhelpful: Grief has no timeline, and suggesting that someone should be "over it" can feel judgmental and insensitive (Worden, 2018). What to Say Instead: "Grieving takes time. Take all the time you need." Why It’s Helpful: It validates the person's feelings and lets them know it’s okay to grieve at their own pace.
"At least they lived a long life." Why It’s Unhelpful: This statement can minimize the loss by focusing on the quantity of life rather than the quality of the relationship and the depth of the loss (Rosenblatt, 2000). What to Say Instead: "I know how much you loved them and how much they loved you." Why It’s Helpful: It acknowledges the significance of the relationship and the depth of the loss.
Offering Support: What to Say and Do
"I’m here for you." Why It’s Helpful: This simple statement assures them they are not alone and have your support.
"Would you like to talk about your loved one?" Why It’s Helpful: It allows the grieving person to share memories and feelings, which can be crucial to the healing process.
"Can I help with [specific task]?" Why It’s Helpful: Offering specific assistance, like cooking a meal or running errands, can be more helpful than a general offer to help, as it provides concrete support during a difficult time.
"I’m thinking of you and sending my love." Why It’s Helpful: It expresses care and concern without attempting to fix or minimize their grief.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Be Present: Sometimes, the best support is not in our words but in our silent presence. Sitting with someone, holding their hand, or simply being there can provide immense comfort and a sense of connection.
Listen Actively: One of the most potent ways to support a grieving person is to listen to them without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. This shows that you are fully engaged and understanding of their feelings.
Follow Up: Grief can be a long process. Checking in regularly can show that you care beyond the initial loss period.
Supporting a grieving person is about offering comfort, truly understanding their pain, and being there. By being mindful of what we say and focusing on providing genuine support, we can help our loved ones navigate their grief with empathy, understanding, and a strong sense of presence.
References
Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
Miller, K. S. (2019). Grief: The Journey from Loss to Life. Harper One.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. Routledge.
Rosenblatt, P. C. (2000). Parent Grief: Narratives of Loss and Relationship. Routledge.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.
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