Grief is like a pair of snowflakes—no two look alike, and no one gets to say which flake is more legitimate or why. Still, society loves its neatly packaged grief: the dignified mourning, the sympathetic nods, the casseroles showing up at the door. Yet, not all grief is created equal in the eyes of others, especially when the loved one’s death is through means that many struggle to understand, like suicide or drug overdose. When the cause of death carries that tricky societal "baggage," the path to healing can feel cluttered with judgment and misunderstanding (Hall et al., 2018).
When Society Has a “Grief Etiquette”
Let's be honest: society tends to play favorites with grief. A tragic accident? Heart-wrenching. Cancer? Brave and courageous. But when the loved one’s death involves suicide or an overdose, the air around grief shifts, often becoming cold and uncomfortable. These losses bring out a peculiar silence, a discomfort that can leave those mourning feeling alienated, isolated, and as though their grief doesn’t fit within the acceptable norms (Feigelman et al., 2019).
Many grieving people find that, rather than empathy, they’re met with whispered judgments, subtle glances, and an air of, “Well, they sort of did this to themselves, didn’t they?” Such reactions—even unspoken ones—can add an extra layer of pain and shame to an already unbearable experience. It’s as though the cause of death strips away the right to grieve openly, leaving mourners in an emotional purgatory that’s hard to escape (Jordan & McIntosh, 2011).
Taboo and "Unacceptable" Losses
Death by suicide or overdose often becomes a “taboo” grief, largely due to lingering social perceptions that the deceased somehow “chose” this end. But let’s be clear—choosing to end pain is vastly different from choosing death. The movie On the Count of Three delves into this painful complexity with raw honesty, offering viewers a glimpse into the overwhelming struggle that often accompanies suicidal ideation. In the film, director Jerrod Carmichael captures an achingly real portrayal of two friends grappling with deep-seated despair, and it’s evident that those who reach such dark places are dealing with burdens many of us can’t even fathom (Carmichael, 2021). **
**Movie Trailer URL: https://youtu.be/lw43a9sdXeA?si=ua1HvPetBsf-32U5
Carmichael’s film resonates because it reveals a truth: sometimes the battle with mental health or addiction is all-consuming. And in these moments, where a person might be facing an internal war we can hardly comprehend, compassion becomes the only appropriate response.
The Story That Opened My Eyes
I once stood on the precipice of this kind of grief, though, thankfully, it didn’t end in loss. One of my closest friends, after years of battling waves of depression and suicidal thoughts, reached a breaking point. She’d even scheduled goodbye texts for after her planned attempt—a final cry for understanding that somehow went unheard. By a miracle, she was discovered in time, and, once stabilized, asked me, “Are you mad at me?”
I wasn’t. I told her, “No, why would I be? I can’t imagine the depth and degree of pain you were going through, and I’m just really glad that you’re still here.” She looked at me, surprised. “Well, you’re the only one who feels that way. All of my other friends are pissed.”
The heartbreak in her words shook me. As someone who deeply cared about her, I had learned to understand that suicidal ideation isn’t a choice, and it certainly isn’t selfish. It’s often the result of unbearable pain, pain that some try to “cure” in ways that defy logic and understanding. Knowing she felt supported—without judgment—allowed her to feel, for a moment, that her struggles mattered and that someone truly understood her pain (Cerel et al., 2014).
The Complex Layers of This Kind of Grief
Grieving a loved one lost to suicide or an overdose involves a twisted labyrinth of emotions—regret, helplessness, sorrow, and yes, sometimes anger. But those emotions shouldn’t prevent us from offering our unconditional support. Adding societal “acceptable norms” to the mix only creates more stigma, confusion, and isolation. It’s an unspoken rule that grief should be dignified, polite even, but for those left in the wake of “unacceptable” losses, there’s often a struggle even to express their sorrow without fear of judgment.
When friends or family cannot find words of comfort, they may withdraw, thinking, "I don’t know what to say." But the worst thing is to say nothing at all. Holding space—genuinely being there, offering presence without opinion—can be life-giving for those navigating this tricky territory of grief (Jordan & McIntosh, 2011).
A Call for Compassion and Understanding
Grief over suicide and overdose often means carrying the double burden of losing someone we love while defending their memory against societal judgments. So, if you’re supporting someone going through this, take a page from Carmichael’s On the Count of Three and know that they need empathy more than explanations, and presence more than platitudes.
When we make space for open conversations about these difficult losses, we help remove the stigma surrounding grief itself. We create a world where it’s okay to admit, “I’m devastated, and I’m struggling to understand.” A world where it’s acceptable to grieve for the pain the deceased endured, to acknowledge their suffering, and to extend compassion instead of silence.
Offering Hope in Dark Times
For anyone grappling with substance use disorder or suicidal thoughts—or if you’re supporting someone who is—there’s help. The Crisis Lifeline, accessible by dialing 988, is available 24/7 to provide compassionate support and guidance. Other national resources include the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK), and organizations like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which offer tools, resources, and communities to help those in need (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2022).
You Are Not Alone
If you’re reading this and feeling lost, overwhelmed, or wondering if you even matter, know that you do. You are worth every ounce of help, every hand offered, and every conversation. There are people ready to walk this journey with you, people who understand that you’re not a statistic or a taboo, but a whole person worthy of love, healing, and a future.
Take that first, brave step. Seek support. Allow yourself to receive it, to be held and helped through. Your life matters in ways you might not even see right now. But there are those—friends, family, even strangers—who believe in your inherent worth and would be grateful to help you realize it, one small step at a time.
About Unboxed Grief
At Unboxed Grief, we understand that grief is a deeply personal journey, and no two paths look the same. That’s why we offer grief support groups and one-on-one sessions to walk alongside you, helping you navigate the ups, downs, and everything in between. We’d be honored to be a part of your healing process, offering a compassionate, non-judgmental space where you can feel heard and supported. As Ram Dass so beautifully said, “We’re all just walking each other home,” and we’re here to be that steady companion, offering warmth and guidance as you take each step forward.
References
Carmichael, J. (Director). (2021). On the count of three [Film]. Annapurna Pictures.
Cerel, J., Maple, M., Aldrich, R. S., & van de Venne, J. (2014). Exposure to suicide and identification as survivor: Results from a random-digit dial survey. Crisis: The Journal of Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention, 35(5), 359–366. https://doi.org/10.1027/0227-5910/a000269
Feigelman, W., Jordan, J. R., & Gorman, B. S. (2019). Personal Growth and resiliency of those who experienced a drug-related overdose death: The overlooked bereaved. OMEGA-Journal of Death and Dying, 80(2), 170-197. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222817723032
Hall, K. C., Harris, E. S., & Conant, M. L. (2018). Stigma, grief, and coping in loss due to opioid overdose: A thematic analysis. Death Studies, 42(10), 703-711. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2017.1382615
Jordan, J. R., & McIntosh, J. L. (Eds.). (2011). Grief after suicide: Understanding the consequences and caring for the survivors. Routledge.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2022). 988 Suicide and crisis lifeline. https://www.samhsa.gov
**Content Warning (On the Count of Three Trailer video):
The trailer contains sensitive subject matter, including discussions and depictions related to mental health struggles, suicide, and strong/offensive language. There are also scenes featuring guns and potentially triggering imagery. Viewer discretion is advised.
Disclaimer: The author of this blog is not a licensed practitioner, therapist, or medical doctor. The information provided is based on research and personal experience and is intended for informational and supportive purposes only. If you are experiencing physical or emotional symptoms of grief that are impacting your health, we strongly recommend consulting with a licensed healthcare provider, therapist, or medical professional for clinical evaluation and appropriate intervention. Always seek professional advice before making decisions regarding your mental or physical well-being.
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